Wheelchair Sex After Spinal Cord Injury
Wheelchair sex and the ability to develop sexuality, participate in sexual activity, and maintain long term intimate relations is desired as much by people with a disability as in the general population. The majority of spinal cord injury wheelchair users are 15 to 45 years of age so sex and fertility often become an important issue. The amount of physical sexual function and ability to feel pleasure or pain sensation after a spinal cord injury depends on level and completeness. In general, an incomplete spinal cord injury affects sexual function to a varying degree if at all, as opposed to complete where no function exists.
For men with incomplete spinal cord injuries involuntary motor and or sensory function still exists below the level of injury. The ability to achieve a sustainable erection for wheelchair sex and reach orgasm is usually possible. After a complete injury the ability to achieve erections, ejaculate, and father children can be greatly compromised. For women complete or incomplete, following an initial absence of menstrual cycle, fertility is rarely impaired, though vaginal lubrication may be. In both sexes limited to no sensation below the level of injury is common. By having wheelchair sex many couples are re-discovering sex after spinal cord injury. Wheelchair sex enriches their lives and results in a more understanding closer relationship.
Safe Sex and What to do With Catheters
Never assume a spinal cord injury causes infertility or makes one incapable of catching and spreading Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD). Practice safe sex as you would normally. Men with a permanent Indwelling Catheter (IDC) can remove or fold back and cover with a condom or otherwise secure to penis shaft. Women with an IDC can also leave a catheter in during sex unless it causes problems. Stoma and those who self-cath (pass a catheter several times a day to drain bladder) usually do so just prior to sex to avoid any unwanted urine leakage. Supra Pubic Catheter users are free to engage in wheelchair sex, intimacy and sexual intercourse anytime.
Usually high level quadriplegics cannot go without a catheter for long. Care should be taken not to pull on a catheter during sex but don’t let it spoil enjoyment. If either wheelchair sex partner (or soloist) has major concern about a catheter for medical or aesthetic reasons tape it and any tubing to the body prior to love making. Be aware tubing pressed hard against skin can cause blisters. A sleeve of soft material slipped over the catheter and or tubing may avoid blistering.
Orgasm Erectile and Vaginal Function
Men with incomplete spinal cord injuries may achieve reflex, but not psychogenic erections. That is; an erection may be achieved by physical stimulus, touch, not erotic vision or thought. While a more than adequate blessing for most, such erections are not always sustainable or strong enough for penetrative sex. Not only can unpredictable erections cause embarrassing situations during sexual intimacy but for wheelchair users in public (being void of sensation below the level of injury) unaware they have an erection. It has been reported that 45 percent of men have experienced orgasm after spinal cord injury.
Complete injuries involving S2 to S4 affect the nerves responsible for two main chambers (corpora cavernosa) of the penis which fill with blood to create an erection, damage at and above this level makes reflex (physically stimulated) erections totally unachievable for most. If a sphincterectomy has been performed reflex and psychogenic erections are rarely possible. Difficulties with erections may eventually be experienced by nearly half of men with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) caused by lesions of the thoracic spine and autonomic nerves.
The most sensitive area of the penis is the fraenum (underside of penis head). A vibrator applied to the fraenum can not only induce erection but orgasm, ejaculation. For a woman laying face up the erogenous zone is two to three inches inside the vagina and upward, called the G-spot. During wheelchair sex a womans G-spot might be more easily reached by sliding her hips up to the front edge of the wheelchair seat.
Women with incomplete spinal injuries are generally able to produce vaginal lubrication and enjoy wheelchair sex. For women with complete injuries between T10 and T12 there is typically an absence of either psychogenic or reflex lubrication. Attempted penetration of the vagina by any means may trigger adductor and pelvic floor muscle spasm. Be patient and never force entry. It has been reported that 53 percent of women have experienced orgasm after spinal cord injury.
Medications and Sex Aids After Spinal Cord Injury
The introduction of oral medications Viagra and Ciallis have largely replaced their intracavernosal predecessors. Swallowing a pill has much less shock value than injecting and massaging meds into the penis. While both methods can help sustain an erection, the ability to achieve some form of erection in the first place, is most desirable.
I am one of the lucky quadriplegic wheelchair users who can get an erection simply by touch. I have tried Viagra several times. In the interests of research for this wheelchair sex article of course. I did not notice Viagra of any benefit to my usual sexual function. Viagra is really only of benefit to those who can achieve psychogenic erections (erections from erotic thoughts).
Devices such as vacuum erection pumps can initiate erection and tight rings or bands applied to the base of penis will restrict blood drain from the penis once erection is achieved. Penile pump implants are also available but carry risk of erosion, leakage, or infection requiring removal. Some men with intact sacral anterior nerve roots are able to achieve stimulator-driven erections, though the primary reason for doing so is urination, not sex.
Disability sex aids like sex wedges, sex swings, vibrators, the height of a bed or table, power tilt on a wheelchair and easily removable arm rests are worth consideration when purchasing equipment with wheelchair sex in mind. Partners of wheelchair users will attest the wheelchair itself becomes a sexual aid at times.
For the more sexually adventurous, electric powered mechanical sex seats and fetish equipment like neck braces, casts, catheters, crutches, straitjackets, bondage, electrostimulators, mouth spreaders, and speculum devices exist.
Sex lubricants such as K-Y Jelly can assist in achieving sexual penetration and increase enjoyment of wheelchair sex. Application of these gels or “body sauces” and massage oils to other areas where greater sensation exists may also prove pleasurable during wheelchair sex.
Wheelchair Sex Positions
How do people in wheelchairs have sex? Just like any other person, usually in bed. Some sexual positions are more difficult in bed after spinal cord injury as paralysis makes it hard to roll over or climb on top, compounded by loss of leg function for support, and hips for thrust. Therefore some sexual positions are more easily achieved by practising wheelchair sex. Most modern wheelchairs have easy to remove armrests, swing away footplates, folding backrests and locking brakes and such easily accommodate wheelchair sex and greater sexual freedom. Those in wheelchairs due to spinal cord injury often describe their wheelchair as their legs and therefore it becomes a part of their sexuality.
Paraplegics rely on upper body strength to perform adventurous wheelchair sex positions. Quadriplegics or Tetraplegics rely on assistance from their partner to do the same. For wheelchair sex sliding the paralyzed male or females bottom to the front edge of the wheelchair seat gives greater access for sex. When both sex partners have high level spinal cord injuries a sex worker may be employed to assist in wheelchair sex and intercourse. Be aware when limited sensation below the level of spinal cord injury exists, sensitivity above the level of injury often increases, and can become hypersensitive. Go easy on those nipples.
Some find paralysis and wheelchair users very sexually attractive and actively seek them as partners. Most are caring empathetic people genuinely interested in people with disabilities. Occasionally however such relationships are sought assuming that a position of dominance and control will be given and can result in conflict or violence. Wheelchair sex fetish should not be thought of as perverse. Like any sexual practice it only becomes unhealthy or inappropriate and often illegal when forced into or thrust upon minors and unsuspecting, unwilling parties. For example; public masturbation, flashing and up-skirting.
Throw Clinical Approach Out The Bedroom Window
As a C4 incomplete quadriplegic male able to achieve reflex but not psychogenic erections the sight of my beautiful girlfriend still makes me want to pin her to the wall and tear her lingerie off with my teeth. A clinical diagnosis deeming psychogenic, sexual thought and erotic vision of no benefit to establishing erection, bares no relevance in the bedroom. Scented candles, rose petals, lingerie, nudity, enticement, foreplay, wheelchairs and other apparatus can hold new use and appreciation for both sexes. Blessed with a patient willing partner I even turn my head sideways looking at my hoist lately.
“Sexy is not about sensation. It took time to recognize that what I was feeling during sex was less about physical sensation and more of a mental build-up. It’s mind over matter, but there’s definitely a release. It was completely frustrating at first, but I think part of the healing process was learning the ways my body works differently after my accident.” – Angela Rockford
Experiment with your partner to discover the new frontier spinal cord injury and wheelchair sex brings. Talk with them to learn about their body, likes and dislikes. People with a physical disability often have a poor self body image, thinking they are damaged goods, broken, somehow less than. This perception or stigma is difficult to change in both the disabled and general public’s mind. Often an able-bodied sex partner will feel guilt for having full sensation. These feelings are normal and should be discussed, but don’t dwell on them. Healthy love making is about pleasing your partner. The person with limited sensation from spinal cord injury often derives great joy and sexual satisfaction from simply pleasuring their partner.
A girlfriend of mine was asked what she sees in me because I’m, “not a whole man.” Resisting the urge to punch them out of their seat she replied, “He’s more man than any I know, I see the man not the wheelchair.”
Spinal Cord Injury Emissions and Ejaculations
For seminal emission to occur the spinal cord nerves from T11 to L2 to the vasa deferentia, seminal vesicles, and prostate must be intact. Emission being a trickling or leakage of semen with no rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor muscles as in true ejaculation. Some with complete cord lesions at lumbar or sacral level may be able to achieve psychogenic erections and emission. Retrograde ejaculation, where the semen is ejected into the bladder rather than the urethral meatus is common.
When ejaculation cannot be achieved by sexual intercourse it may be induced by masturbation or vibrator stimulus of the fraenum (underside tip) of the penis. Emissions may also be induced by rectal electroejaculation (a vibrator applied to prostate via the anus). A hypo-gastric plexus stimulator can also be implanted to achieve emission, using a single inductive link across the skin. When neither ejaculation nor emission can be achieved collection of sperm by epididymal aspiration or testicular biopsy (a sample collected from testicles by needle) is possible.
Fertility After Spinal Cord Injury
Fertility in men progressively reduces after spinal cord injury. A low sperm count with diminished motility (swim strength) is often due to continuing non-ejaculation, infection and raised testicular temperatures from sitting in a wheelchair and laying in bed for long periods with little mobility and poor air flow. Earliest collection and storage of sperm after a spinal cord injury might therefore be enacted. Seminal fluid quality may improve after repeated ejaculation. All good reasons to engage in regular wheelchair sex.
It is essential to obtain microbiological cultures of the seminal fluid and eradicate any infection prior to proceeding with an attempt at fertilization. Fertilization success rates after spinal cord injury have improved with the use of seminal fluid enhancement techniques, intrauterine insemination, In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI).
For women after an initial absence of menstrual cycles fertility is rarely compromised. If the spinal cord lesion is complete above T10 labor may be painless. When unable to bear down effectively during the second stage of labor forceps are often used to assist in delivery. Autonomic Dysreflexia during labor is a risk for mothers with a spinal cord injury at T6 and above, this can be prevented with an epidural anesthesia.
Sexual Access and Opportunity for Disabled
“(Sex)abled Disability Uncensored” celebrates people with disabilities as sexual beings. This 14-minute film made by San Francisco State University students features the bright and lively participants of the discussion panel sponsored by UC Berkeley’s Disabled Students Union called “Are Cripples Screwed?” Enjoy engaging with Bay area community members and comedian Josh Blue (winner of Last Comic Standing) as they share their personal experiences with wheelchair sex, dating and intimacy. Please consider making a contribution to the production of this video at Sex Smart Films.
For significantly disabled wheelchair users such as high level spinal cord injury tetraplegics (quadriplegics) on ventilators living in structured environments, nursing homes, group homes and institutions, wheelchair sex and opportunities for sexual and gender expression may be limited. Institutional barriers to wheelchair sex and sexual relationships include cramped conditions, a lack of privacy, unwelcome intrusion by support staff, prohibited relationships with staff, prohibited sexual contact between residents and prohibited sexual relations between residents and visitors.
Disabled people’s sexual and emotional needs are rarely included in any discussion or representation in popular culture such as movies, music, and magazines. When disabled people are represented in more sexually positive ways by media, often social cultural and institutional supports follow suit, advocating for disabled people’s greater sexual access and sexual well-being. For wheelchair users with spinal cord injury this positive sexual representation not only promotes wheelchair sex. It strengthens sexual self-identification and heightens sexual self-esteem. It creates an avenue for non-disabled people to see the disabled in a more sexually attractive light.
Disability in the Commercial Sex Industry
Paraplegics and quadriplegics are employed as sex workers in several fields. Increasing numbers of women with paralysis from spinal cord injury and other physical disabilities are being employed in the phone sex industry. Some customers specifically request sexual surrogates (qualified sex therapy educators who engage in sex). Others request wheelchair bound prostitutes. Some earn a living as wheelchair sex porn stars. Disability sex educators, with an actual disability, are highly sought after. Wheelchair bound glamour models are increasingly seen in the fashion industry. There is even a niche for medical equipment test pilots.
A 13 billion dollar industry in the United States, commercial outlets and websites selling “disability fetish” calendars, pictures and videos of disabled women and men having sex, wheelchair sex, naked “gimp” amputees, girls in casts and various other mediums of wheelchair bound people having sex are increasingly common in western culture. Most are produced solely for pornographic use which is fine for adult porn entertainment but is all to often exploitative of the disability sector. Porn movies featuring non-disabled wheelchair pretenders do little to promote real wheelchair sex or sex with a disability. The wheelchair becomes nothing more than a prop.
The relationship between disability and the commercial sex industry has developed healthier approaches through increased education and recognition of sexuality of people with disabilities as an important issue. With or without disability however gender imbalance will always exist, where women are seen as goods and men as the consumer or buyer of such goods.
Disability in the International Sex Industry
The global sex industry is worth an estimated 850 billion US dollars per year spawning many illegal underground sub-cultures. Human trafficking is the fastest growing criminal industry in the world, targeting vulnerable sections of populations including disabled people. Globally, 27 million people are held in slavery for the two main purposes of labor and sex. Often considered unable to work, those with a disability are nearly always exploited for sex.
Disabled women often enter into traditional prostitution as the lowest and cheapest commodity due to their extremely marginalized status. This places them at great risk of sexual abuse, rape and sexually transmitted disease HIV/AIDS. Each country has their own inherent problems concerning sexual issues, such as traditional customs and culture, access and support, education and advocacy, economy and research. The problems facing the international sex industry are many and positive outcomes few.
Five Quick Wheelchair Sex Facts
- A Braille copy of Playboy featuring the beautiful paraplegic Ellen Stohl was provided by the National Library Service for the Blind and Handicapped in the USA until Congress banned its production.
- The average age of entry into pornography and prostitution in the USA is 13. Of these more than 10% have a disability.
- In Australia, the Accsex Network provides disabled people with a “sex-attendant” and can arrange access to other wheelchair sex services.
- The Pink Palace, a brothel in Melbourne, gained global media attention by making their premises wheelchair accessible and installing a sit-down shower.
- In Zimbabwe some still believe that HIV/AIDS can be cured by having sex with a disabled person.
Barriers to Sexual Expression After Spinal Cord Injury
Social attitudes and physical barriers associated with decreased mobility as well as a dependency on others for care after a spinal cord injury often hinders sexual expression. A social attitude that deems people with physical disabilities as dependent and helpless only fosters assumptions. It serves to prevent able-bodied people from accepting a person with spinal cord injury as a sexual partner.
Perceived as very “needy” a relationship with a person of high level spinal cord injury such as quadriplegia or tetraplegia is imagined to be extremely demanding and never equal. This attitude can also become internalized by the person with spinal cord injury. They start to believe their dependency makes them undesirable wheelchair sex and life partners.
Wheelchair sex barriers after spinal cord injury and the true sexual desires, prowess and functions of people with disabilities, are greatly compromised by mythical stigma and stereotypes. People with intellectual disabilities for example are often believed to be oversexed and dangerous or asexual and eternally childlike. Other wheelchair users, especially those with a spinal cord injury are considered unable to parent, conceive, or adequately raise children. These false stereotypes further exclude people with disabilities from sexual activities. This has been highlighted by an increasingly vocal constituency of people with disabilities expressing frustration at the social barriers preventing full participation in life particularly in the taboo area of sexuality.
Emphasis has been placed on social re-integration of wheelchair users like those with spinal cord injury in recent times. Schemes and programs have been developed to open opportunities for wheelchair sex, independent living, education, employment, health, sport, transport and physical wheelchair access. Many people meet sex partners and life partners at college, their workplace and social events, but for wheelchair users they must first be able to participate and express their sexuality. Only then can they be seen as sexually able and possibly sexually attractive.
Identified Sexual Outcomes After Spinal Cord Injury
Today, there is a greater awareness that sexuality is equally important to men and women with disabilities and that sexuality is an integral part of the development and experience of all people. Much of what we know about the social barriers that people with disabilities face in relation to their sexuality comes from the reports of people with disabilities themselves. Disability activists have also played a strong role, campaigning for the sexual rights of people with disabilities, including the right to have sexual relationships, the right to be parents, and the right to access sexual services.
People with a disability including wheelchair users with spinal cord injury don’t always portray the youth, virility, athleticism and physical beauty that is so sought after in western culture. Often resented by the able-bodied, seen as ugly and repulsive, the disabled body is hidden or presented as something to be avoided, corrected, and pitied.
Historically, there has been a fear that people with disabilities will produce offspring with disabilities, and a belief that this is something that should be avoided. Despite the history of exclusion, physical limitations, isolation and abuse, it is important to note that for other people with disabilities, their sexual rights are being achieved and they are leading satisfying sexual lives.
Both paraplegics and quadriplegics living with spinal cord injury are enjoying relationships of all kinds, having children, marrying other disabled people and people who do not have a disability. People with disabilities are enjoying active wheelchair sex lives, dating, loving, touching, kissing, hugging, sucking, fingering, and fucking. Some are accessing the sex industry, visiting sex workers, working as sex workers, consuming pornography, and in some instances, making pornography.
People paralyzed by spinal cord injury are learning and teaching about sex, as sex educators, counselors, and researchers. They are finding and sharing useful ways to enjoy wheelchair sex, express their sexuality, increase sexual pleasure and bolster sexual self esteem. Prioritizing the sexual rights of people with disabilities, as well as dissolving stereotypes, taboos and silences will ensure that these success stories become the norm for most people with disabilities in years to come.
Graham Streets
MSC Founder
Resources
- Barry, K. 1995. The Prostitution of Sexuality. New York University Press.
- Bradford, S. 2003. Prostitution Reform Bill Good for Disabled People.
- Fegan, L. A. Rauch. W. McCarthy. 1993. Sexuality and People with Intellectual Disability. Sydney, Australia: MacLennan & Petty Pty Limited.
- Gary L. Albrecht. 2006. Encyclopedia of Disability. University of Illinois, Chicago.
- Hughes, D. 1999. Pimps and Predators on the Internet: Globalizing Sexual Exploitation of Women and Children. Oslo, Norway: The Coalition Against Trafficking in Women.
- McCabe, M. P. and G. Taleporos. 2003. Sexual Esteem, Sexual Satisfaction and Sexual Behavior among People with Physical Disability. Archives of Sexual Behavior.
- Miles, M. 1999. Blindness in South and East Asia: Using History to Inform Development. Disability in Different Cultures: Reflections on Local Concepts. New Brunswick, NJ: Transaction Publishers.
- Mona, L. R. and P. S. Gardos. 2000. Disabled Sexual Partners. Psychological Perspectives on Human Sexuality.
- Murphy, R. 1995. Encounters: The Body Silent in America Disability and Culture. University of California Press.
- Noonan, R. 2000. Sex Surrogates: A Clarification of Their Functions.
- Raymond, J. G. 2003. 10 Reasons for Not Legalizing Prostitution.
- Richard, A. O. 1999. International Trafficking in Women to the United States: A Contemporary Manifestation of Slavery and Organized Crime. Washington, DC: Center for the Study of Intelligence, CIA.
- Shakespeare, T. 2000. Disabled Sexuality: Toward Rights and Recognition. Sexuality and Disability.
- Shakespeare, T., K. Gillespie-Sells, and D. Davis. 1996. The Sexual Politics of Disability: Untold Desires. London: Cassell.
- Shuttleworth, R. 2000. The Search for Sexual Intimacy for Men with Cerebral Palsy. Sexuality and Disability.
- Shuttleworth, R. P. and L. Mona. 2002. Disability and Sexuality: Toward a Focus on Sexual Access. Disability Studies Quarterly.
- Silverburg, C., M. Kaufman, and F. Odette. 2003. The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability. San Francisco: Cleis.
- Sipski, M. and C. Alexander. 1997. Sexual Function in People with Disability and Chronic Illness: A Health Professional’s Guide. Frederick, MD: Aspen.
- Taleporos, George. 2001. Our Bodies and Sexualities beyond 2000: Disability with Attitude: Critical Issues 20 Years After International Year of Disabled Persons. University of Western Sydney, Australia.
- Wade, H. 2002. Discrimination, Sexuality and People with Significant Disabilities: Issues of Access and the Right to Sexual Expression in the United States. Disability Studies Quarterly.
- Sobsey, D. 1994. Violence and Abuse in the Lives of People with Disabilities: The End of Silent Acceptance. Baltimore: Brookes.
Websites
- Disabled Love Aid Sex Chair: http://www.disabledloveaid.co.uk
- Informing Sexuality After Illness and Disability; i-said UK: http://www.i-said.co.uk
- Intimate Rider: http://www.intimaterider.com
- Penile Vibratory Stimulation, PVS: Semen Retreival by Penile Vibratory Stimulation in Men with Spinal Cord Injury
- Sex Smart Films: http://www.sexsmartfilms.com
- Sexonomics: http://sexonomics-uk.blogspot.com/2011/04/sexual-ability.html
- Sexual Health Network: http://www.sexualhealth.com
- Spinal Cord Injury Information Network: Sexual Function for Men with Spinal Cord Injury
Wow, thankyou so very much. I had no idea.
Sure God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece.
I got to know pretty good things on this site.
This is awesome reading, as for my situation as a 20 year old “tetra”
T8 Para here hugely impressed by this piece…
Great site. I’ve been with my share of men thru the years and have found that Quads are by far the best sex partners!!!! They are off the charts when it cums to to making me multi-orgasm. I now look for quads with tongues… and thumbs, make me sooooooooooooooo hot:)))))))
my fience is a paraplegic and we wanna have a baby what are our options we want to have our own?
bb, we need alot more information before we can answer. What level is the spinal cord injury and when did it occour. Is it a complete or incomplete injury. How old are you and your partner. What country do you live in etc. The more you tell us the better we can help you.
Thank You for this piece. Fantastically inspiring and thorough. Hats off to You, and the wonderful service that You do here.
I have been following your SPC forum going on 2 years, I have a friend in a relationship with a man in a chair, I read this article to share with her. I had no idea I needed this for myself. My sexuality withered and died with my diagnosis. I became a patient not a person, lost my privacy, independence and a large part of my identity. I have always provided the direction, motivation and the financial means for my family of 6. My husband has always been laid back, but when faced with assuming responsibility for the family he lost his hard won sobriety and overdosed twice requiring 2 separate inpatient confinements.
Meanwhile back at the ranch I had 4 children no mobility, no income and a bleak prognosis. I held things together because that’s what I do. I put my husband out of the house until he could come back sober for the sake of the children. A well meaning social worker started a process that almost had my children removed from the home. I asked my husband to step up, come home, parent and honor his commitment in sickness and health. He did, but he has always had a low sex drive and since my DX has shown no interest.
In the early years day to day survival as a family was my only priority. We are a stable family now, I am 47 and thought my sexuality was just another loss due to age, circumstance and disease. Your article made me realize nothing could be further from the truth. With all the doctors, counselors and professionals I have seen in the past 4 years you would think this subject would have come up at least once. Shame on them and thank you for being a voice and an educator for those of us considered not quite whole by mainstream medical professionals. My apologies to the professionals out there that see us for the individuals we are, I have just not met any of you yet.
It is wonderful to see others taking this subject seriously. So many newly injured people don’t ask due to fear and so many health care prof’s don’t ask due to fear! Sex is not taught yet we are all supposed to know how to do it! I am a sex therapist (SCI T12).
I am a paraplegic for 33 years (T11) active wheelchair user – lm based in the UK. Since becoming disabled l have been sexually active, though for me l have always felt different. In my younger days l felt l was gay so had a lot of mixed experiences. Four years after paralysis l fell in love with a woman – we went on to have 2 children which was amazing – especially as the specialist consultant had warned it was highly unlikely that l would be able to have children – his warnings of doom and gloom where unfounded. This really only happened as my G/F was persistant she insisted – l was the passive partner. l now realise that lm gender queer and the worry of penis not errecting had never been of concern to me is the slightest – l know to some that is a huge issue. l have always much preferred to give oral.
The other part of me which has always been strong is lm into BDSM and love it, lm 100% submissive. When it comes to partners l mostly look for others with a disability as l find its easier with less questions to answer – if there in a simular situation they will no doubt not need to ask silly questions and will anyway be more in tune with you. So the way forward is not always the one seen – is the idea that penatrative sex the only way – maybe not – just be willing to look outside outside the box as its more interesting and fun! Lee
Me gust? la pagina!!!
Felicitaciones
What a brilliant, well-written article! How guilty we all are of using labels to define ourselves and those we encounter. How do we shake these labels and the damage they create?
Hi, few good points made here, good references too. I’m doing a series of videos here on Autonomic Dysreflexia and orgasm and my blog on the ferticare vs other vibrators for quads:
http://verticalchallenge.org
Any feedback would help,
thanks.
Graham, a personal question. You said, “Blessed with a patient willing partner I even turn my head sideways looking at my hoist lately.” Are you referring to a Hoyer? Is there a special way you use it during sex? My boyfriend is also a C4, but with a complete injury. We’re always up for new things though if you wouldn’t mind sharing.
Yes Jo: Hoyer or any brand of personal hoist can be used as an assistive device for sex after spinal cord injury and paralysis. There are many types of slings that have adjustable straps. These straps make two main positions possible, seated and laying flat.
Using a hoist a male can raise his female partner in the seated position and by positioning himself beneath her (in a chair or laying flat on a bed), he can lower her onto him to engage in sex. It makes it very easy to push and pull or rock the person in the sling.
I know you are able bodied Jo, but there’s nothing wrong with you getting in the sling over your boyfriend and using his hoist for sexual purposes. Depending on the sling type, it’s also fun to lie on your side or get on all fours and pull your boyfriend in the sling back and forth as well. Get as adventurous as you like!
Your boyfriend being a quadriplegic, you may in the past have had to always be on top. Or pull your man over on top finding his weight upon you, skin to skin, makes it difficult to get up a rocking motion. By lengthening the head side sling straps he or she can be raised in a laying (prone face down or supine face up) position. Placing your boyfriend face down in the hoist sling will enable you to hover him over you, slide him into you, and swing slow or fast, as much or as little as you like with ease.
That’s the basics of disability hoist sex positions to give you the general idea. Perhaps I’ll write a more specific article at some point. I’d love to hear anyone’s tips and experiences.
Most personal hoists can lift in excess of 155 kg (340 lb). Put him in the sling and climb in on top, pushing outward on the sides of the sling repeatedly makes a great bouncing motion. Should you sex it up in your hoist do it over a bed or something soft in case anything goes wrong, oh and a word from the wise, keep a phone within reach lol. You’re feeling horny already aren’t you Jo? Go get him hun.
my husband is a c6-c7 incomplete quadriplegic.. I am 27 and he is 26. he was a pedistrian hit by a car when he was 15. He is a wonderful goofball. He has bicep use but not tricep.. and can use all but his pinky although not well in his left hand. and cant feel from his chest down, but feels further down on his back… we have so many things we have wanted to know and this site is the best we have found yet. we live in the usa.. it seems most dr’s are negitive on him being able to have a child of his own genetics.. he however can get things to work, although it is tempermental. lol. only gotten it to go all the way a few times.. wondering what you woudl think on that? he is very determined and wonderfull.. he has baffled all his doctors even the ones who specilize in spinal cord injurys..
Hi Carolin, let’s get straight to some of the nuts and bolts of wheelchair sex after spinal cord injury that you have inquired about.
Males who become incomplete quadriplegics at an early age, pre-pubescent boys for example, do in nearly all cases still go through puberty and develop healthy mature physical sexual function. I do not want to get your hopes to high, keep in mind in the general population 10% of men aged 20-30 are infertile to begin with. Add a range of complications and that infertile percentage rate can only increase.
Begining in the brain, the pituitary gland can only release luteinising hormone (LH) and follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) required for testosterone production after receiving chemical instructions from the hypothalamus. This is an important brain structure that connects the nervous system to the endocrine system. The hormone released by the hypothalamus is called gonadotrophin-releasing hormone (GnRH). Obviously after a spinal cord injury, especially one resulting in quadriplegia, the nervous system may have become compromised.
That said, at fifteen now twenty six, with eleven years as a wheelchair user, it is still very likely your husband will be able to father his own biological children. The trick is pulling his trigger, getting him to ejaculate. I gather he has never, or least not fully, since his accident. This means he will have a very low sperm count with poor motility (swim strength). Often initially brownish, the color, quality, strength and count of seminal fluid and its sperm can be improved after several… test firings if you will. All being well men produce up to 30 billion sperm every four weeks so you can be as trigger happy as you like.
I suggest you find a good fertility doctor as you will need one to test his seminal fluid and spermatozoa for infection and viability anyway. In the meantime you can set about getting a clean semen sample. The most common and least invasive method for quadriplegics to achieve ejaculation is by applying a clitoral stimulator to the fraenum (underside of penis head). These stimulators or buzzers are typically small battery powered vibrator’s, a button on one end vibrates stimulating orgasm, though there are many more exotic variations.
You may not get immediate results, keep at it and keep it fun. If it proves unsuccessful there are other methods to ejaculate and programs such as invitro fertilization available to you. I cover these topics in the wheelchair sex article.
Now, for a sustainable erection, going all the way. Fortunately for me I’ve never needed to use these sexual aids, but when you shop for your stimulator look for umm… sorry there’s no nicer way to put this… a cock ring. That is what they are called. Often made as stretchy rubber, inflatable or adjustable leather collars, these rings fitted tightly to the base of the penis prevent blood from draining from the penis. When a spinal cord injury specialist doctor explained this to me he suggested a simple rubber band (elastic band) would do the job. I always wince at the thought of having to get the rubber band off. Most guys do not want to see scissors anywhere near their man parts, but that’s your call. So experiment and remember to make it fun Carolin! I’d like to hear how you go.
I just discover your web site and this very interesting article. I am glad to read people talking seriously about this so important subject, love the video from the UC Berkeley’s Disabled Students Union.
Being a 48 years old para, about 30 years in a wheelchair, I would have been happy to hear/read this kind of words after my crash. I had to experience life with a new body, to fight my fears and the feeling of being nothing, to rebirth sexually but not only.
Fortunately, it was great pleasures and discoveries most of the time, thanks to my partners, girl friends and lovers. They help me to feel “differently able”, playing a full and important role in our relationships.
Thank you from France, I will come back explore your web site!
Sorry for my English I need to improve :)
hi. the info here was very interesting. however some info is missing…
i am a healthy 30 year old woman and i am dating a spinal cord injury man (no ability at the lower level of the body – no erection exc). my man and i are having loads of fun, but i would like to know what makes man with only upper body level ability feel arroused or pleasure. of course i asked my boyfriend and he did mention a couple of things (such as high sensetivity to hard licking on the nipples, the belly button and the ears). but like any relationship, when you want to pleasure someone, you explore what you can do better, sexually.
i would love to have an honest response so i will know what to do.
I’m asked that alot kulupulu. I mentioned it under “throw clinical approach out the window.” It’s important to understand sensation is secondary in sex. For most people (especially in women) sex and making love begins in the brain. The ability for neural activity to trigger the release of endorphins and other “feel good” hormones remains intact after a spinal cord injury.
The blind can usually hear very well, and deaf have sharp eyesight, the same applies to wheelchair users with paralysis. Losing sensation from the chest or waist down sharpens the senses in other areas, such as the sense of touch. So try not to feel to selfish, in many ways he will be getting much greater sensory input than you are.
As you said nipples, ears, neck etc. can become what they call hypersensitive, additionally many paraplegics and tetraplegics (quadriplegics) become very visually aware. Studies have shown similar feel good endorphins are also released when we smell particular scents, eat chocolate, caffeine and other favorite foods.
We can use this information to increase sexual pleasure for our self and our partners. Combining hypersensitive touch with erotic visual stimulus and favorite foods can be extremely pleasurable and erotic. For example, slip into some sexy lingerie, light a few scented candles, grab a candy cane off your Christmas tree, and call your man into the room. I’m sure you get the idea.
Just as you like to see your partner pleased they derive great joy from seeing you pleased too, that may include pleasing yourself through masterbation. After using the candy cane, chocolate bar, or whatever food your partner likes on yourself trace it across them and lick it off. Bite him gently where he’s sensitive. Press your lingerie to his cheek, engage all his senses. You can purchase body sauces and jelly (jello) is always fun. Open your pantry or fridge to find inspiration.
Experiment with hot and cold, ice cubes, freeze a banana. That’s taste touch smell and sight covered but don’t forget hearing. Put on some favorite music and whisper your dirty intensions in his ear. Remember, it all begins in the brain.
Don’t focus on what he can’t feel, focus on what he can.
Rather enlightening, thanks for the post. Would any disabled ladys (or anyone who knows anything about them) care to provide some information. I imagine it is mostly the same, but specificly what are some things to keep in mind when having sex with a spinal chord injry woman.
l am so reliaved after reading this, at least now l know l can enjoy with my wife pliz specify on sex for a patient with a T8 and T9 spine injury .l have low sensation on the right leg but l cant move it.l feel the penis when lam penetrating my wife though its a distant feeling. l have 11 months since l was injured. Can l ejaculate or recover from this injury
mthokoziseni, as you have sensation below your level of spinal cord injury you are most likely a T8-T9 incomplete tetraplegic. Depending on many factors there is a slight chance you may regain some sensation and movement for upto five years post injury. Though generally speaking after 12 months it’s unlikely to regain anything more and extremely unlikely to make a full total recovery by natural means. Scroll up to my November 7 comment here for methods in achieving orgasm and ejaculation after spinal cord injury.
Great article. As the vast majority of SCI’s are male I guess it’s understandable that the literature is somewhat male biased. Thanks for at least addressing the female disabled side of things (still trying to work out the ‘positions’ on your diagrams hahaha).
My girlfriend is a t3 incomplete and I am her first sexual partner since the accident a year ago that put her in the chair. It’s an interesting relationship… still fresh (3/4 months), both effervescent with excitement and at the same time fraught with fear. I guess that’s true of any new relationship. Sometimes it’s hard to separate the ‘normal’ baggage from the ‘disability’ baggage. “You’re saying that because I’m in a wheelchair?” “No I’m saying it cos you’re talking shit.” :-)
But on the subject of sex I must say it’s been wonderful. We have experimented a lot with sensation in different areas of her body (mine too for that matter- she’s so sexy and adventurous) to help her ‘remap’ her erogenity (how’s that for a made up word? Should it be erogeny? That sounds Greek).
Interestingly my girlfriend senses cervical pressure. Subsequent research suggests that the Vagus system of nerves is at work here and perhaps circumvents the spinal cord somewhat. Food for thought. Then of course there’s the Kundalini… but one step at a time :-)
Upper body is highly sensitive and one of her favourite spots is actually around the point of trauma on her spine. I kind of visualize a bunch of frayed wires beneath the surface that are still connected to the brain (the no.1 erogenous zone) but still believe they are connected at the other end to the clitoris and G-spot hahaha. It’s FUN! And it works. Especially when you’re with someone you love as a person first…. sex object second (ok, I’ll admit it’s turned into a close race, but when we met I never even imagined we’d become lovers, she was just this beautiful, funny, intelligent, sexy, talented, creative, single chick I met. How could that turn into a relationship? hahaha)
However, a small word of warning: if you’ve got an issue with bodily functions then a paraplegic / tetraplegic girlfriend might be a bit too much for you. The fact is, sometimes accidents happen- somewhat avoidable if preparations are made (obviously a bit of spontaneity is sacrificed) but still they can happen. But then again, some women snore. That would be worse for sure. Life is short- live laugh love.
I am 35 years wheelchair user SCI from Nepal due to bone TB but do not have sensation below my waist. I want to get married but always i do afraid to talk openly about sex issues because in Nepal there is miss conception that only intercourse activity is assumed as sex. In Nepal we can not find the sexual toys to satisfied by girl friend. I would be very much happy if some could help me in this aspects.
Hey guys and girls. I am 19 years old male and have been suffering from a SCI ever since i was 4 months old as a result of a motor vehicle accident. As my disability and the chair is all i’ve known in my life, i am afraid i do not understand the differences in being able bodied and disabled. However, this site has clarified much information i was yet to know and understand.
Suffering from a SCI does make myself depressed. All of my friends are able bodied and have all moved on with their lives. They have all found partners of their own, however in my circumstance it is much more difficult for me to engage in relationships. No offence, but i do notice that most women/girls do see the chair and hence walk away, which does leave me annoyed and frustrated.
So to finish, I would like to thank those that are supporting the disability community. And would like to share my fight with depression of being in a wheelchair and hence lacking the activity of relationships and love. I am grateful for those who are able to see pass the chair and understand that us disabled beings are just like any able-bodied individuals, we still have like-mind thoughts and feelings, we just have a couple of extra sets of legs (wheels).
Checked the gallery. Un-controvertible proof that a babe, is a babe, is a babe…
Whats up I’ve been a chair since 2006 and I just finished reading this article. It gave me alot of info thanks. I’m a L1 complete I would like to know more info on that level of injury thanks.
JayPee: My circumstances differ from yours but I’m no stranger to dealing with the depression that comes with the injuries. Quick summary: While I was in the birth canal the doctor screwed up, and portions of my spinal cord were permanently damaged. I eventually learned to walk (sort of) but I was in a series of leg braces on the right leg from age 1 1/2 to sixteen. Not that anything was resolved at 16 but the doctors decided that being forced to wear the brace was causing mental problems more severe than any good I was gaining from wearing the brace. Over the course of my life I have had multiple leg and back surgeries. Nonetheless, the crippling effects of the injury are obvious to anyone who glances at me trying to walk. The effects of the injury have varied over time. The injury left my lower back looking like a pretzel on the MRI’s (ok, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration but not by much). Lower back pain is an “unpredictable constant”: which means that it is always there but the intensity varies. Meaning that every time I sit down I don’t know if I will be able to stand back up. And every night when I go to bed I don’t know if I will wake up and be able to walk with just my cane, walk with crutches, walk with a walker or whether I’ll be back in the wheelchair. (OK, well that’s hardly a quick summary. So sue me.)
I realize that at 19 your testosterone is practically carbonating in your blood stream and nothing is more important (or enjoyable) than feminine company. For what it’s worth, I eventually met a girl who wasn’t at all put-off by my condition. (I was 19 she was 18.) We have had sex in every way my body will tolerate and in every place where there has been the slightest opportunity (the boss’s office, under the tree next to the apartment where we lived (very close to a busy street – that one we at least had the good sense to wait until almost dark), the stainless steel food preparation table in the kitchen of a college snack bar, the list goes on but you get the idea.
Now, having rambled through all of that, I will get back to the issue of depression. Yeah, it’s a bitch. I was “retired” from my career by my employer due to chronic depression LONG before I was ready to quit working. That, of course, just added to my depression and I was hospitalized three times. I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that if you can recognize that you are dealing with depression (I didn’t realize what was happening to me until it was WAY too late) there are ways to cope. And in my experience, it’s critical to act because others around you will likely have no clue as to what is going on in your head. The best and most solid help I’ve gotten is from others who are dealing with the same problem – trust me, no matter how hard someone may try to understand the fact is they can’t. If they haven’t been down your road, they can’t get it no matter how sincerely they try. The ones who have been there are the only ones who really know and can tell you how they came back.
Not everyone with depression becomes suicidal but I did before anyone caught on to what was happening to me. I had a hell of a time realizing that suicide is a permanent solution to what is a short-term problem – even though at the time it’s hard to see how it could possibly be short-term. At my worst, I just KNEW that I could never have another good day in my life so what was the point.
Yeah, the depression is still a bitch. But I have a girl I love, who loves me and life is usually (but certainly not always) good. It just takes patience and effort – on both our parts. By the way, did I mention that I married the girl? We’ve been together now for thirty seven years. And the sex is still hot and kinky enough to keep us both interested.
If you would like to communicate with me in a less public way than this forum, post another response with your email and I’ll do my best to contact you.
Sincerely, The Wounded Wolf
Big Dawg, I think Wounded Wolf was talking to JayPee. We discourage posting of email addresses in interest of your security. Also by discussing things here openly others can learn from what you know and share their experiences. The topic here is sex. We have a good depression article by one of our members Deb here: http://www.streetsie.com/spinal-cord-injury-depression/ Feel free to discuss depression there guys. Should any of you wish to share your personal story or write articles let me know and I’ll setup a page for you.
If you Big Dawg, or anyone has specific questions I’m happy to answer. I gather as an L1 complete spinal cord injury you cannot achieve a sustainable erection?
Graham & Others:
Oops… Apologies… Had I been thinking I would have recognized that the context here is sex – and that my comments didn’t fit the nature of the forum. I also know better than to encourage someone to post their email address in a public forum – further evidence of my lack of cognitive engagement. Finally, some people can’t stop talking – as you can see from the length of my prior comment, once started I can’t stop typing. Thanks for the link to the article on depression.
As to sex: I approve of it in most whatever way you can get it… ;-)
I didn’t mean to sound harsh WoundedWolf, my apologies. I think it’s great you’re willing to talk and share so much with us, and hope you continue to. It’s always interesting to read your helpful insights. Several here have mentioned being depressed recently including Foxylady who was just in the Live Chat area. I wonder, if you would like to register an account I’ll give you higher access so you can publish your own full personal story? Oh and the sex, yeah I agree, any is good as long as it’s not prison sex lol.
So any kind of recommendations on how to get an erection been im a l1 complete.
Big Dawg, straight to the point, a penis pump and elastic band. You may need to be 18 or older to purchase the pump. My Nov 7 comment here will be worth your reading as it and the last paragraph specifically applies to you at a complete L1 spinal cord injury level. I also explain some of the epidemiology there.
Medicines assistive in achieving a sustainable erection Viagra and Cialis are of no benefit to L complete injuries 99% of the time. Certainly worth a try as you may just be the 1% but it’s quite unlikely they will be of benefit to your sex life. Alprostadil however, a type of medicine that increases blood flow and causes blood vessels to expand in the penis, should help you facilitate an erection.
Alprostadil is given either by injection (brand names Caverject, Edex, Prostin VR) that are 80% effective, or as a suppository (MUSE Medicated Urethral System for Erection) 35% effective, placed into the opening at the tip of the penis. When a needle and syringe is used the medicine is injected into the side and massaged throughout the penis. These drugs take effect in 5-20 minutes and your erection lasts for about an hour in most cases.
Of course you must consult your doctor before using any such medicines. If they do not prove of any benefit to your sex life after complete spinal cord injury you are back to inflatable penile implants as explained in the article.
Side note: I know a guy who lit candles, put on soft music, jumped into bed and injected Caverject waiting to surprise his new girlfriend. Their romantic evening of love making quickly turned sour when he ripped the sheets back to reveal his full intensions. The girlfriend screamed in horror. He had neglected to massage the Caverject medicine in thoroughly and his penis was severely bent at right angles.
thanks everybody for responding to my comment sorry that i didnt give enough info i really dnt no it all at this time but i will tell you wat i can and i really realy appreciate any advice you are willing to give…first off im 22 and my fiancee is 32 he is in the chair been in it for about 12 yrs…i believe he said he was a t9?? or b9?? if that sounds rite …hes a paraplegic he can get erections but they have a mind of there own and i wouldnt call them full erections….we wanna have a bby and i wanna no wat i need to do in order to do so if its even possiable…he has been reading up on it and says he can take pills or shots to help?? althought i have to see a dr. to see if i am able to have children
BB, welcome back, sounds like your fiancee is a T9 incomplete paraplegic. There are certain physical elements required to have a baby but even more to be good parents. I can list both but feel you will gain much more benefit from consulting a specialist in a fertility clinic. In my view, it is a parental responsibilty to ensure the best possible health outcomes for any child, especially as the latest statistics suggest as many as 1 in 10 children in the general population are born with some sort of disability.
It is quite possible you and your partner will be able to have a baby. To achieve sustainable erections try applying a tight band to the base of the penis once best erection is achieved, may help erection but not insemination. Viagra type drugs may be of limited assistance. As the article above details, intercourse is secondary to fertility when a baby is wanted. The majority of men with spinal cord injury do not ejaculate or orgasam rather have a leakage of spermazoa (do not confuse this with not enjoying sex, being sexual or potent).
Most couples in your position have sperm and eggs paired together in a clinic placed into you, as the potential mother, where possible. Known as IVF (Invitro Fertilization), it tipically requires the mother to have regular injections. That is most likely what you guys will require and again starts by consulting a specialist.
Graham: Re your post 3/16
I have set up an account as you suggested. You will have to explain to me where I go from here. Re sex: the worst I ever had was terrific. Even if it has to be rushed sometimes: like when my wife had to sneak into my hospital room after visiting hours were over and I was recovering from yet another round of surgery… Lord but I love this girl…
WoundedWolf: you now have author status. You can login and start writing your story or articles through your dashboard, add images video etc, save as a draft until you’re ready to publish. I will send you more details and my email address should you have questions or problems, I’m often on the live chat here too.
Hi, I’m from Romania, i have C6-C7 quadriplegic, please, I am interested to befriend whith someone like me who has sex with his girlfriend and than its possible can help me because I have a girlfriend and want to know is or not having sex. With friendship..
Hi, I’, a 29 girl from somewhere in Europe. This is a wonderful article, thank’s the author very much, it gave me a lot of information. I am a doctor, but noone tought sexuality things during my study times.
In fact, I have a colleague who is SCI paraplegic. We work together. I’ve known him for a couple years, and now I’ve found myself looking to him differently – not only to as a friend, but as an attractive man. I am able not to focus to the wheelchair any more (as I did before…). Furthemore, I’ve found myself wondering to know him better, to know his life, to be with him and to make sex with him. Your article opened my eyes (very thanks for wheelchair sex positions), and I realised that a wheelchair isn’t a problem to fully relationships at all !.
So… The next step would be to confess him that I like him.. A lot.. I go crazy even when I think about him.. Someday… I hope I’ll dare to say him so…
AmyGoo…You wrote exactly what I wanted to hear. I wish you happiness
My name is Ana am a 20 year old T2 complete ..I’ve been in a chair for 15months now. ..at first I was very scare of having sex .I didn’t want to talk to no boys I was a shame but now I see things way different this is me from now on I have not had an orgasam since my accident but wen my partner suck on my neck I Caind of feel like am about to but never happends ..it my doing sumthing wrong or is he ..
Hi Ana, that is quite normal. As you can no longer directly feel your erogenous zones your body re-learns to feel things in a different way and in different places, like your neck. Discovering these places can be fun and exciting. Most women, even with a complete spinal cord injury, are still able to orgasm from clitoral, G spot, etc stimulation, and vaginal lubrication still occurs.
Neither of you are doing anything wrong. Good sex is all about feeling good and making your partner feel good. While you may reach orgasm like you used to, you most likely will not feel it like you used to. So for your pleasure combine the two, psychogenic (thought) and physical (touch) stimulus.
hello Graham im a c2c3 incomplete stretch i was injured at birth from fault of the doctor i am 16 know (sorry if you think im too young to be on here but i need answers). i was researching about “wheelchair sex” and i found this article stating that with most incomplete spinal cord injuries have glitchy erections as in you dont usually get one by looking or thinking but by touch, and before i read that article i thought my sexual organs worked fine until i started paying more attention to it. i noticed that if anything touches that area i get an erection i dont know if this is just teen puberty or what but if its not will it go away in time its kinda embarrassing sometimes?
Hi Bryan, most young men at 16 only need a gentle breeze to get an erection. Having a complete spinal cord injury you are fortunate to be able to, and while I totally understand it can put you in some very embarrassing situations, it’s important for you to realize this is a healthy normal sexual function. Concerned about this myself I once asked my doctor, why do I jump spasm and get erections at the slightest touch? To which he replied, don’t all men?
As a quadriplegic wheelchair user it’s obvious to see I have some issues going on, when people avoid eye contact, stare at the ceiling, I look down and sure enough Sarge is standing to attention. I just laugh it off saying, randy little bugger has a mind of his own these days. If I happen to be going thru the supermarket check-out I’ll say quietly, I am so horny I could just die. At other times you may want to give the more clinical explanation of spinal trauma.
It is not something that will go away Bryan. I encourage you to celebrate and experiment as you develop your sexuality, it’s ok to touch yourself, masturbate, find out what gets you hard and gets you soft. Approaching your sexual maturity with any luck a day will soon come when knowing your triggers will be of great benefit to you, your lover and your love life.
I got one more question that’s been bugging me ..would I be able to get pregnant and carry a baby full term ..
Yes Lulu you certainly should be able to fall pregnant and carry a baby to full term. The only difference for you being a T2 paraplegic is when it comes time to deliver, as you may not be able to bare down sufficiently to push a baby out, forcepts are nearly always used. Alternatively the baby would be delivered by Ceaser Section.
Am very happy to hear that..
sally i read your comment about having sex with wheelchair users..i was just interested if any other women enjoy having sex with wheelchair users… also for a male in a wheelchair who cannot move his arms anymore is there any alternative to masterbating?
Can i have disrexflexia by having anal sex??
I have c6,c7 incomplet, i have erection god but i don’t know if i can have orgasm. I kan’t feel my penis.
THX.
Ilike you lulu, you are a nice person.
Lulu, yes you can go dysreflexic, especially if you experience dysreflexic episodes when constipated or during vaginal sex.
Maxxim, yes it is possible, most need extra stimulus like a vibrator as described in the “Wheelchair Sex After Spinal Cord Injury” above.
Thanks a lot, a good day and let your inhibitions aside to
Graham & Lulu –
If interested in more info on the subject, a study involving physical manipulation very similar to that experienced during anal sex can be found at http://www.lib.okayama-u.ac.jp/www/acta/pdf/61_4_221.pdf It’s 227 pages and I strongly recommend you don’t waste your time reading it. Having read the report in full (yes, I am a glutton for punishment), I quote below the statement I consider relevant:
[M]echanical and pharmacological stimulus of the anus during rectal distention … appears to induce silent or symptomatic AD.
The author’s use of the word “appears” is simply a conservative way of stating the conclusion. A number of persons in the study did, in fact, experience AD.
I’m 17 ..T4 I’ve had sex before I never had a orgasm I want to have one what can I do by myself or with someone?
I have a crush on a male quadriplegic. We were in the same graduate program, but I moved about 5 years ago to a different city. I just found him on Facebook…am thinking whether I should even tell him I’m attracted to him…we don’t really know each other at all…just a couple of conversations when we were in school.
Rawr: I’ve been waiting for someone to ask the obvious question. Are you male or female? Generally speaking (after spinal cord injury) wheelchair users have sex and reach orgasm the same way abled bodied lovers do. A T4 should have sufficent hand function to masterbate or have their partner stimulate their erogenous zones. Being paralyzed having no feeling does not mean your body, g-spot won’t feel it, and respond in orgasm. Your penis or vagina will still feel the stimulus. It’s only the messages to your brain that doesn’t get through. The article details where the female g-spot and male fraenum erogenous zones are.
Jade: I sometimes think of girls I had a crush on back in school. I wonder if they think of me. I wouldn’t mind if any girl (or guy) from school contacted me as a friend. I suggest you go for it. Say hi, find out if he is single and go from there. Even if married now, most guys will still get a kick out of being told of the crush. I did.
I’m a female chick oh well then
Rawr: Ok, you can insert your finger/s 3 or 4 inches into your vagina and bend the fingertip upward. Rub that area (your g-spot) and clitoris repeatedly for 5-10 min. Female orgasm can be hard to detect, usually it is a semi clear discharge of only a few ounces or milliliters.
Great website thanks!~
I recently became interested in a girl that is a t4-t5 paraplegic and this site has helped open up dialogue. I see her as a beautiful woman first but naturally have questions and concerns.. It is nice to find quality information.
Thanks!
Hi all.
This website has much knowledge to offer sexually active wheelchair users. Well done.
I would like to add some info regarding spinal cord injured women and birthing children. I was injured at 18 as a T12 complete, with no feeling below my belly button. From age 22 to 26, I birthed 4 children. Long cold winters and all… ;)
These are some issues I ran into:
*Bladder infections, bladder infections, bladder infections. And incontinence in the last trimester (buy some Depends). Make sure you have a great doc that will check you regularly for UTI’s and prescribe meds. (I had an undetected UTI with my 2nd born that went to my kidneys and then septic. I nearly died and my daughter was born 6 weeks early)
*Flaccid muscles due to paralysis will not hold that baby to term. Often when baby drops between week 34-37, that initiates labor. The doc can give a med to stop labor, but you’ll likely be on bed rest in the hospital until baby is born. (Mine were all born 3 to 6 weeks early)
*Blood pressure during labor (atleast for SCI women) can drop drastically and must be monitored.
*At birth time, you will likely void. If possible, clear your bowels out the night before or even during a break in contractions. Trust me; this is better than when your hubby is watching for the crowning head and then…
Now, don’t let me scare you off. Bringing a lovely little bundle of joy into your life is an amazing experience. Having this knowledge, so that you are prepared, will make the experience of becoming a mama much more enjoyable and rewarding.
Good luck! And enjoy the journey.
Hi CyndiLou, thankyou for your post. I did not know some of these things. Would you be interested in writing an article on childbirth after SCI for us? Many people here ask about it. Your wealth of first hand experience and knowledge is exactly the kind of information they are looking for. I have made it really easy to submit articles here; http://www.streetsie.com/article-submission/ You could help so many people.
As a lifetime able-bodied female, it never occured to me that I’d ever be open to a lover who uses a wheelchair. Then I met Angel, a 35 year old T6 para since age 18. No joke, it was one of the hottest sexual experiences of my life. Awkward initially, had to get used to the idea of his cath (I had no idea he had to do that…never thought about it before and yes there were small accidents) but when I see him, I see the man not the disability. Lucky for me he can get hard and sit back and enjoy the view.
He’s also strong enough with just his upper body to be on top! This blew my mind that it was even possible! His extra efforts aroused me beyond belief as did his heightened sensitivity in areas he can still feel. To me, all of him is sexy. I’d touch him places he can’t feel, like his lower back, stomach, legs, simply because I want to feel all of him. I didn’t realize it turned him on visually to see my hands on him in areas former lovers ignored. There is no rush to the finish line with him. My pleasure also becomes his.
Verbal communication and eye contact truly play a huge part. It’s like no other sex I’ve ever had. His experience may differ from mine in that same moment but I’ve never encountered a more attentive, seductive and selfless lover. This man taught me more about myself and sex than I ever could have realized on my own. For those of you looking for partners please know when its right it will happen, able body or not. Just relax and enjoy.
NewPerspective: that is awesome to hear thank-you very much. I run this website. I was writing an article on “things to know when dating paraplegics,” when your comment came in. It’s ironic you cover many of the things I have listed. What a lucky guy you have. i had physically active lovers but added your “on top” part ;). If you have more tips, we would love to hear them.
Graham,
I would gladly share my thoughts, concerns, observations, experiences, etc., with you and your guests here. This is the best place on the web discussing both perspectives on sex. You speak to the clinical side as well as the human side and it helped me tremendously. Ask away. Your next piece is providing a service and I honored to help however I can. To think, I might have missed out on a good man by being simply uninformed or confused by stereotypes!
my better half is a c6 but not completely… if i get ejaculate is the first one bad for you?
Hi StaceyB, no it is not harmful to you in any way. Men produce a whole new batch of 40 million sperm every 72 days whether he ejaculates or not. There are many factors that affect sperm production and quality; alcohol, smoking, stress, overweight, hot baths, sitting in a wheelchair all day etc. But even in a worst case scenario, totally lifeless sperm, will not harm you (I wouldn’t go ingesting it). Men with a spinal cord injury usually only have their sperm tested to see if they need to improve their fertility.
If you are hoping to get pregnant and your better half has not ejaculated for some time, his first batch will not be as healthy as the second, third, or forth. It’s like baking a cake. No matter how good a cook you are, you can’t make a top quality cake, from poor quality ingredients. To increase the odds of having a healthy baby, start with as healthy sperm and eggs you can.
I’m glad this info is here, but some info is not complete. For instance, I am a C-4 quad & sex has become almost normal for me. When I say normal, I mean the way it was pre-injury. Actually, normal for me & my wife is the way it goes down now. I met her after my injury.
I read & believed a lot of things that are said on this website for along time, but then decided to see for myself. I found that i could ejaculate & yes, with the pelvic muscles pushing it out. This was about 10 yrs. after my accident. We now have had 3 kids together, the last, 6 weeks ago. I was paralyzed @ 20 & I’m 39 now.
We try a lot of different things to see what works for us & what we like. The position that works best for ejaculation is me on my knees, sitting on my feet with my back against the wall or headboard. She’ll either ride or lay back & I’ll grab her legs in my arms & pull her into me. I can feel everything & as an added benefit I can stay erect afterwards & ejaculate more. 5 times has been the max…I couldn’t take anymore.
There is some dysreflexia sometimes, but not that bad & not that often. It’s worst when I haven’t been drinking enough water. Too much water becomes a nuisance. My bladder regulates itself, but I have no control. I can tell when I have to go, but can’t hold it. I wear an external catheter normally & keep a bedside urinal handy during sex.
I hope this encourages someone & remember to just enjoy your partner’s presence. After all, most sexual satisfaction is mental…disability or not.
@16yr old Bryan – I’m a 39 c4 & I have the same problem. I usually just keep something on my lap. I have a “Case Logic” bag on my lap most of the time with my wallet & such in it so it blocks a lot. Also, wearing boxer briefs help because they go down the leg & fit snug around the leg. I want to be clear. I’m not talking about boxers. I’m saying boxer briefs & they have underwear that are called trunks that look similar, but the legs are shorter. Fruit of the Loom & Starter make the ones that I prefer.
Most importantly though. Work on being comfortable with yourself. Don’t worry about what ppl think. You have enough to deal with on a daily basis to care if ppl approve of your disability. I’m not saying be a bitter butt hole, but don’t stress other ppl’s thoughts. If they have a problem, let them keep it. Don’t make it yours. ;)
@Jade – Absolutely! I mean it’s a lil late because you have moved, unless you’re still in driving distance & he could already be in a relationship, but I think you should still tell him.
A few yrs. after my accident, I went to college. I was still pretty unsure of myself when it came to women. My girlfriend at the time of my accident & I broke up about 2 yrs after my accident & I kinda figured no one would really want me & all that came with me. Well, there was this one girl that pursued me with everything she had. Long story short, we were together for about a year, but timing was bad because I wasn’t over my ex yet. She took time to learn about me & we had a lot of fun, but the biggest thing she did was to show me that there were some ppl that would look past the chair & want to know me. She gave me confidence & I will forever be thankful for that. We both married different ppl, but we’re still friends today.
If you let him know that you like him in that way, you make change his life for the better. However, I would ease into it with a few hello’s & what not before springing it on him. Good luck. :)
@Sec3861 – Good for you! However, you should ask her how comfortable she is about talking about her situation. Those questions you have are best directed to her because every situation is different. I always rather ppl ask me what they want to know instead of making assumptions or going by what they read. I don’t know if I’m the norm or the exception, but I do think you’ll get better, more complete answers from her.
@NewPerspective – Congrats & thanks for posting that. A lot of ppl miss the things you shared. They simply make assumptions. I am a C4 & I am able to be on top as well. May I suggest other positions? Nothing specific, but play around with clothes on to see what you think might work. You might be surprised of what you guys come up with. Oh yeah. The clothes probably won’t stay on too long. You’ll be anxious to try the new moves. ;)
I like to lay may wife on her stomach & put her legs inside mine while I’m on top. Another thing I have learned is that it’s a lil easier when I’m on top, if I pull my legs up & to the side. I don’t tire as quickly.
@Graham…ok so we tried some of the techniques to get him to ejaculate but so far there not working… im not so worried about having kids just yet because im 22 and hes going on 27. Hes been in a chair for 6yrs now, what are some tricks to stay hard… we’ve noticed when we dont have sex as often it doesnt stay hard as long.
Lamonte: Thank-you for your input. If you believe there is false or misinformation on this website please let me know exactly where and I will review it. Or perhaps you’d rather a page of your own here to share your story and experiences with us. Anyone can, just register an account and tell me you want a page.
This wheelchair sex love and intimacy after spinal cord injury article is not a one gulp fix all elixir. I feel it’s a mistake to label all with a C4 spinal injury as quadriplegics. The C4 vertebrae may be smashed but unless the actual spinal cord is damaged they walk out of hospital. Hardly what I call a quadriplegic. To me, profound loss of leg function and at least some loss of hand or arm function must exist to be a quadriplegic, like your good self.
Quad after all is Latin for four, Tetra and Plegia are Greek for four and paralysis respectively. Each and every quadriplegic, tetraplegic and paraplegic is unique, especially when it comes to sex after spinal cord injury. Our comment areas are a shining example of that diversity.
StaceyB: The first thing most with SCI erectile dysfunction try is oral medications Viagra, Cialis or Levitra. These increase blood flow to the penis to improve erectile function (stay hard). Then there are vacuum pumps, tight rings and vibrators. Alprostadil and Papaverine penile injections. Medicated Urethral System Erection (MUSE) where pellets placed into the urethra are absorbed into the surrounding tissue. Or even surgery. Look at Nov 7 in the comments above. List what doesn’t work and we’ll narrow it down to something that does.
Penile Vibratory Stimulation (PVS) can be used to achieve an erection, but its main purpose is to produce an ejaculate. Where a regular vibrator isn’t sufficient, 55% of men with SCI respond to a high amplitude vibrator. These are purpose made and with an outrageous $1500 price tag are mostly only used in fertility clinics. A cheaper $700 FertiCare mens SCI vibrator is seven times more powerful than a regular vibrator and requires a doctor’s prescription. Given the 55% success rate, I still suggest a clinic first.
Rectal Probe Extraction (RPE) is a pretty invasive procedure. A probe is inserted into your rectum under a general anesthetic. An electric current is applied to the rectal lining to stimulate the rectum wall. The voltage is slowly increased. Most men ejaculate below 20 volts.
Testicular Fine Needle Aspiration (TFNA or TESA) is also invasive. For curiosity sake ejaculate I doubt your man will want some lab tech sticking a long needle into his testicles. Buy all means pursue these and ask me any questions you wish. The last thing I want to do is gross you out, or turn fun love making into a clinical excercise.
@Graham – I posted before I read the other posts. I stumbled across the site & at first, it seemed to be putting everyone in the same box. I thought it was the typical able-bodied person writing an article on some research they did that I have read so many times. Admittedly, I jump to conclusions because it gets my goat when I read those articles.
I guess I wasn’t really saying it was inaccurate, but more of saying it didn’t cover everyone, as you stated. This article, combined with the replies, covers a lot so my apologies if I offended.
I browsed the site & I think it’s a good, informative site. I bookmarked it & I will continue to participate. After almost 20yrs in a chair, I have a lot to share. Hopefully, it’ll help someone.
@StaceyB – If I may add to what Graham said, Viagra works for me. I don’t use it often & it’s harder for me to ejaculate when I do. I found that position plays a big part for me so, if possible, try some different positions. The position that works best for me is me sitting on my feet with my back against the wall or headboard. This position also helps me keep an erection. During our first attempts, I would feel I was going to ejaculate, but it would never happen. After a while, it finally did & now it happens almost every time I try; sometimes quickly (15min.), other times it may take an hour or more, so be patient. It seems easier to get close using my hand & then penetrate her. In comparison, I have never ejaculated while laying on my back or while I was on top. I have twice sitting in my chair, but they both were by hand. I think it has something to do with tension on my lower stomach.
This is just my account so remember that each case is different, though some of the same things may work. Also, remember to try not to stress it too much because if it doesn’t happen, it may make him feel inadequate. Reassure him that it’s more about the time spent together, than the actual act. I needed to know that & it helped a lot when I realized that my wife felt like that. I hope I said something that helped. Good luck. By the way, I am a C4.
Great article Graham.
Alex: Thank-you very much.
Lamonte: No offense taken. As a quadriplegic I knew what you meant. You and I are actually a good example of how no two spinal cord injuries are the same. We are both quads but there is absolutely no way I could fully dress myself. Not unless I was already in my powerchair and wore a dress, no underwear. You would still see my butt. Of course my butt is sexier and I am more handsome lol. It’s all good mate, let me know if you want to write for us.
LOL I’ll take your word about the butt. I probably will take you up on writing an article. I have to clear a few things out first. Things are kinda hectic right now. I’m glad I found this site though. The others I ran across didn’t have much participation.
Hi Graham,
I liked the article you have written. I have been an incomplete para for almost 11 years now. I am 28 now & I can’t remember if im a T2 or a T3 but my injury is in my lower back. Before my accident i was a DT for my high school football team . So I have very big broad shoulders and i have some wieght to me. But what im trying to say is where i live ppl look at me and right off the bat they give me these nasty looks or even walk away. With that beening said I have been single ever since i became a paraplegic. I had dates but they all said they wanted to be friends and thats it.
I am starting to think that ppl don’t want to be with me beacuse of the wieght issue. Has this ever came acrossed your path where a big guy can’t find a women?
Has to your article about sex. I haven’t had sex after my injury but i have tried cailus (i spelled that wrong i believe) I get semi-hard. Iam at the point in my life where i want to settle down and meet someone. but like i said its been really hard to find the right person.
thanks again for the information you have given all of us about wheelchair sex.
Kenn A: Overweight people face “fat” stereotypes on a daily basis. Unfortunately being overweight and in a wheelchair you face “fat lazy cripple” stereotypes, even by other wheelchair users (as a paraplegic of 11 years I figure you won’t take offense at that remark). Do you really want to date someone who thinks that poorly of you? People are so driven by looks, especially in the US. I think they are the disabled ones. In some countries overweight folks are regarded as attractive.
You could just ignore the ignorant girls. But if it means that much to you, join a gym and eat small well balanced meals to lose weight. Move to Japan or Fiji. Or wait for someone to love you for who you are, not how you look.
@Lamonte – Thank you for your comment. I am a lucky, LUCKY lady to have found my man and can benefit from him having learnt how to be comfortable in his own body and sexuality prior to meeting me. That being said I and other partners of disabled lovers appreciate any suggestions on how to turn up the heat under the sheets. It is a remarkably creative process and I can imagine that advice from men like yourself and Graham truly go a long way in helping the newly injured and younger paras/quads understand that human sexuality is wonderfully complex, multidimensional and fulfilling in ways they might not see right now. This experience for me has been transformative.
@Kenn – I had a similar conversation regarding the stereotypes Graham mentioned with a woman friend of mine who uses a wheelchair. She said something very poignant and very true about the nature of judgement. She told me that disabled people have to do everything the able-bodied do, and do it a million times better, to be seen as only half as good. That can sound daunting, right? But then again, any group that is marginalized, whether race, color, gender, sexual identity, religion, education, wealth, etc., has that mountain to climb. Somehow society moves on, people find partners, jobs, have families, impossible dreams, all while retaining flaws that are just as much a part of us as all the good stuff. I wish you only knew how much energy the able-bodied world spends on trying to appear perfect and flawless. Or how many people fake orgasms or feign love for their partner. In many ways many of them have shown to be more disabled by their hidden disfunctions then people I have met with physical disablitites. Don’t feel judged by people like them. Just do and be the best version of yourself you can. Even if it means taking some meds to enhance your sex life or how you feel about yourself. Someone will love you for it.
Iam 29 yrs old iam in a wheelchair but not paralyzed i have cerbal palsy iam not a virgin but i have not had a girlfriend for more then a couple weeks.my whole life i have been searching my entire life for someone to truley love me for me wheelchair and all. I have been hurt so many times in my it just seem like women are embarrassed to be with me even though they are fine with my situation I just dont get it iam a good guy with a kind heart my handicap does not define me as a person Iam not stuck in my chair by any means i only use my chair to go places i crawl around my house other wise i just want the feeling of being wanted be someone just once i want to hold someone in my arms run my fingers through there hair and kiss them gently on forehead and the rest of the world would just disappear it would just be me and her. Iam so sick of being lonely sex wise i love to watch women masterbate women seem to get bored with me sex wise because they can only ride me and and i cant stand up and fuck them hard i cant do pelvic thrust the sad thing is i pretty big dick kind ironic i cant use it to its full potenial one women left me because i could not fuck her hard enough i just want to loved is that so much to ask? iam always up for talking text me anyone intersted in me (removed contact info).
I feel for you Wade, I really do buddy, but this section isn’t for picking up girls. The only area we allow that is in our forum “personals and dating” section. You are welcome to post there. We strongly advise you to never post your contact details in public areas. If someone wishes to contact you through our forum they can privately message you there. I’ll give you a vital tip, if you are looking for more than sex, an intimate long term loving relationship, don’t use the word fuck. Am I right ladies?
Wade- I sense the feeling of isolation in your message and am sorry you feel that way. Did you notice how you contradicted yourself? You said that girls you’ve dated accept your situation then said they feel embarrased of you or have left due to sexual performance, etc. Sounds to me these girls have not accepted who you are and that you may be too willing to settle so you don’t have to be alone. The dating section will put you in touch with people familiar with your reality but it is up to you to become a man with a strong sense of self. That, my dear, is what real women want. Good sex and lasting relationships grow from here, not from the mindset you have now. Best of luck to you my dear.
Graham is correct here, Wade. Lose the crude terms like fuck and big dick! That’s the last thing a woman wants to hear out of a man’s mouth as we are getting to know him.
Practice just chatting with a woman, ask her out for coffee. Get to know her. Become friends before you even think about going to bed.
Learn to love yourself, treasure who you are, and don’t just settle for any woman. Real love, true pleasure takes time to grow. Be kind to yourself!
Please deb iam the sweetest guy you will ever meet i think thats my problem iam to nice the last girl dumped me because she said i was to nice and even told me to even act like a jerk sometimes and the funny thing deb is that if i relationship longer then 2 months in my life maybe i would have a little more faith hell i have never really been or a date if women would just let talk to them instead of laughing at me as i roll up hell where i live i have never even see a women in a wheelchair to walking women iam just a joke
some girls do like the asshole guy sometimes its gotta even out to nice guy and jerk
hello. i am 34 years old and a relatively healthy male. i have always been drawn to handicapped women and have always wondered about wheelchair sex. i am greatfull for this article, it answered many of my questions. at this point id like to say that i live in GA USA and am curious if there is anyone around my area reading this who would be willing too have a face to face conversation with me who is a disabled woman or knows about the things i am curious of. i am not trying too use this as a way too meet singles i just require a more direct conversation for complete understanding. i dont really mess with a computer much so ill leave my phone number for anyone who would be willing too talk to me. (removed). call or text (text is best though). also how would a person go about meeting and starting conversation with someone who is disabled? i mean i dont wanna seem like i am trying too give pity. thank you and everyone have a wonderfull day.
Actually Tim, you are trying to use this to meet disabled women. The only place we allow posting of personal info is in our forums dating and personals section where it is safe from public view. You may register and post there. Read our dating paraplegics guide for good tips on starting conversations with wheelchair users. If you have more questions ask them on our website, that way you may get several answers and others can learn from them.
I am a home care nurse working with a quad. This person is dating a lower level quad. My question is how much “help” are we nurses able to give. What is ethical/legal etc. I’m willing to try and do whatever I can for my client. But I don’t want to be labeled as a pervert or get into legal trouble for providing too much “aid”. Thank you for your article and your knowledge!!
Hi, I am sOooooooo happy to find this page, I am dating a guy who’s in chair for 23years now. We work for the same company but He’s base in the USA and I am here in Philippines, I haven’t seen him. We only talk over the phone, at first I didn’t know that He’s in a wheelchair and I started to like him, because He is soooo kind, good, accommodating, helpful. Our relationship just grow. I really don’t have an idea how to deal with them, the good thing about him is he is very open and he is not ashame, that’s one thing that I soooo love about him. His sense of humor is amazing, He makes me laugh all the time.. Honestly I really don’t know what to expect the first time that I will be seeing him on January next year, I am excited and somehow afraid that I may not be able to take good care of him or may over take good care of him.. When it comes to sex, I know I will be on top most of the time. I love him sOooooo much that I know I can live my life with him..
I learned a lot from this article..
Ja, you are a nice women, you are exactly like my girl frend.
I am like your frend , person in chair, tetraplegic whith c6,c7 cervical problems after a accident in whater.
I want to thanks for what you are and for what you do. Good look and success, and even if you passed through difficult moments you to rely on his love and go on.
Hi Maxxim, thank you.. Guys like you are THE BEST! My man is a QUAD, His arms are just slightly affected. I admire you guys how you see life.. (salute)..
His love gives different kind of joy in my life..
I love him sOooooo much and I can’t wait to be with him :)
Take Care Maxxim and regards to your girlfriend..
God Bless you.. :)
Hello Aly, from a legal perspective it depends on the country you work in. Asia and Europe have more relaxed laws than those of western countries like the U.S.A. Africa and Australia when it comes to sex workers. Most western care service and nursing agencies do not permit employees to act as sex workers (assistants) in any way shape or form. Typically in the case of two quadriplegics a professional disability sex worker would be engaged by the agency when help with intercourse is required by clients.
@Aly. I agree with Graham. Laws are different everywhere, even from state to state in the USA. Probably the best thing to do is talk to your supervisor. If I was a fully capable body, I don’t think I would help. I mean, legal or not, it would have to be awkward. Even though you may be dealing with the same parts, helping someone with sex is a totally different thing than giving them a bath. However, if you think you would be comfortable with it, talk to your supervisor. If they say no, but you would really like to help these 2 quads be intimate, meet with them off-duty as a friend. Be aware though. It still could cost you your job. Encourage them to do some research on things they could do alone for satisfaction & to seek some type of counseling that may point them toward a service or agency that will assist.
@Ja. Just be the same person you are on the phone & see him as that same person. As you keep talking over the phone you’ll learn more & more about him. You’l began to learn what he can do for himself & what he needs help with. Sure, there’ll be some awkward moments when you are together, but that’s just part of learning someone. Express your concerns to him. He doesn’t seem like a person that would take it the wrong way if you tried to help, but tell him how you feel before you meet. January isn’t that far away, so as soon as you begin talking about it, the more comfortable you will be when the time comes.
As for sex, don’t go in with any expectations. For instance, you said you know you’ll have to be on top. Unless he told you that, don’t assume it. I had a girlfriend in college that thought that. Our first time wasn’t planned. It just kinda happened. She was on top & then I told her to let me on top. A few days later she confessed the thoughts she had when I said that. She said, “When you said let me get on top, I was like ok I hope he doesn’t embarrass himself. I love him so I’m gonna just go with whatever, but when you got up there & went to work, I was like wow!.” I don’t know what my wife expected, but after 12 yrs of marriage she still prefers me on top & we have times when I’m the only one on top. We have worked out lots of other positions as well that most people would never think we do. I’m not saying any of this to brag, only to show that you should jump to conclusions.
Also, he may have some “toys” so don’t be surprised if he pulls out a pump or even a needle. He may or may not need them to maintain an erection. You can research things used to maintain an erection using your favorite search engine & I think there is some info on this site. I’m sure it is. It’s such a great site. He may not need anything. Once again, don’t make assumptions, just be prepared for whatever. Bottom line is, be open & don’t expect anything except to enjoy him. When my wife & I started dating, she said she didn’t think i could have sex. She just wanted me. It sounds the same way for you so don’t let sex get in the way of your feelings. Good luck.